Dirty Laugh

Lee Mack glasses sketch

2009-07-13T08:59:00.001-07:00

Monty Python: Bavaria Restaurant

2009-07-10T01:45:00.001-07:00

Monty Python sketch:

Bakery

2009-07-06T05:18:00.000-07:00

Tom was complaining to his friend that he was l osing his manhood. The friend suggested that he try eating bread rye bread every day. He ran into a bakery and ordered $100 worth of seed rye.

The baker said: "For $100? Why it will get hard before you eat it!"

"In that case give me 200 dollars worth!"

GM vs. Microsoft

2009-06-29T00:34:00.000-07:00

At a recent computer expo , Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "CarXP" or "CarVista." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Condoms

2009-06-28T02:37:00.001-07:00

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.

"Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour."

As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says: "Gorgonzola!"

"Wait, it is not on yet."

Viagra

2009-06-28T02:35:00.000-07:00

An old gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said "That`s no problem. How many do you want?"

The old man replied, "Just a few, but can you cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That`s too small a dose. That won`t get you through sex."

The gentleman said, "Oh, that`s all right. I`m past eighty years, and I don`t even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don`t pee on my shoes.

$100

2009-06-26T13:38:00.000-07:00

Little Tom wanted $100 and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they decided to send it to the President of America. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Tom a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. Tom was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
Thanks,
Tom

Crazy people

2009-06-26T08:53:00.000-07:00

When things go wrong:

Drunk people

2009-06-26T08:49:00.001-07:00

How can you drink so much?!?

Vaseline

2009-06-26T07:44:00.000-07:00

A young salesman was making a door-to-door survey for a vaseline company. He rang a bell and explained his business to the lady of the house, who said she would be glad to answer any questions for him.
"Tell me, do you have any children?"
"Yes," she replied, "I have five."
"Fine," he answered, "and do you use vaseline?"
"Oh yes," she said. "When one of the children gets a cut or a little rash."
"Wonderful," he replied. "Also, do you ever use vaseline for sexual purposes?"
"Very often" she smiled.
"Internally or externally?" he asked.
"Externally," she replied.
"Could you tell me where you apply it?" he posed.
"Yeah," answered the housewife, "on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids from coming in!"

Roger Federer Nike commercial

2009-06-25T07:46:00.001-07:00

Roger Federer Netjet commercial

2009-06-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

A couple of Lee Mack sketchs

2009-06-24T08:01:00.001-07:00

Monty Python: Dead Parrot

2009-06-24T07:52:00.001-07:00

The Kid

2009-06-24T07:48:00.000-07:00

"Give me a double whisky," roared a little boy to the barmaid as he entered the saloon.

"Hey little boy, you want to get me in trouble?", she asked.

The kid replied, "Maybe later, lady, but right now, I just wand a drink."

Two boys

2009-06-23T05:13:00.000-07:00

Two boys were engagin in the traditional argument of boys everywhere:
"My fahter is better than your father!"
"No, he's not!"
"My brother is better than your brother!"
"No, he's not!"
"My mother is better than your mother!"
Pause.......
"Well, I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."

A Rabbit and a Bear

2009-06-22T06:56:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other guts.

One day whilst arguing in the forrest, the bear lost his temper and kicked an old lamp that had been left by campers. A ghost popped out and granted them three wishes.

The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." His wish was granted.

The ghost turned to the rabbit who said "I want a motorcycle helmet." And he got his wish.

"And for your second wish bear?" Demanded the ghost, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." He got his wish.

The rabbit without delay took his second wish, "I wish I had a motorcycle."

"Final wish bear!" Bellowed the ghost. The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." After having his wish granted he smirked at the rabbit and strutted off into the forrest.

The rabbits eyes lit up and he said, "For my last wish, I wish that the bear was gay."

Nonprofit Organisations

2009-06-22T06:54:00.000-07:00

"The bad economy is affecting the numbers of available jobs. So, many new college graduates are choosing to spend a year volunteering at a nonprofit organisation. These nonprofit organisations include Chrysler and GM." Conan O'Brien

Old man

2009-06-21T12:43:00.000-07:00

An old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I feel kind of tired."

The doctor said, "Well, what's bringing it on?"

He replied, "I don't know. I make love to my wife four times a week, and I make love to my girlfriend four times a week, and I make love to my secretary four times a week!"

The astonished doctor replied, "You make love to your girlfriend four times, your secretary four times, your wife four times! My goodness, you better take yourself in hand!"

The old man look at him and said, "I do that four times a week too."

Monty Python and the Holy Grail scene

2009-06-21T12:37:00.000-07:00

New Machine

2009-06-21T06:45:00.000-07:00

One day Tom complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Tom figured he had nothing to lose. He filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the mixture.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Monty Python: World's Funniest Joke

2009-06-21T06:37:00.000-07:00

Lee Mack toilette sketch (The Sketch Show)

2009-06-21T06:35:00.000-07:00

One of the funniest sketchs I have ever seen:

Study?

2009-06-20T11:04:00.000-07:00

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass the exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

Oliver Twist

2009-06-20T09:15:00.000-07:00

After three daxs of privacy in their hotel room, a honeymoon couple finally agreed to go out for an evening.

"Hey honey", he shouted to his wife who was taking a shower. "Do you want to see Oliver Twist?"

The bride screamed, "If you show me any more tricks with that thing, I'm going home to my mother!"

Masculine or Feminine?

2009-06-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine."House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa". "Pencil", however, is masculine: "el lápiz."

A student asked what gender is 'computer? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be masculine or feminine. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model

Philosopher and Scientist

2009-06-20T08:56:00.000-07:00

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.

The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you!”

The Pope

2009-06-20T08:54:00.000-07:00

The Pope flew into an airport for a meeting within a few minutes. His limo driver takes off. The Pope needs him to go faster in order to get to his meeting. The Pope asks the driver to switch places and the Pope will drive. They take off again and the limo is stopped by a cop. The cop takes one look at the situation and radios to headquarters. He tells the chief he's got a pretty important person on his hands. The chief asks "Is he more important than the mayor?" Cop says yes. Chief asks "Is he more important than the governor?" Cop says yes. Chief asks "Is he more important than the President?" Cop says yes. Chief asks "How important can he be" Cop says "I don't know, but he's got the Pope for a driver!"

Texan

2009-06-20T08:53:00.001-07:00

Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions!”
Texan: “Okay, where are you from, jackass?”

Politics

2009-06-19T04:42:00.000-07:00

A little boy looks up at his father and asks, “Dad, what’s politics?”

Dad says, “Well, son, let me try to explain it to you this way.” I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me “Capitalism.” Your Mom is the administrator of the household, so we’ll call her “The Government.” We’re here to take care of your needs so we’ll call you “The People.” The nanny works hard all day for very little money so, we’ll consider her “The Working Class.” And your baby brother… we’ll call him “The Future.”

Now, think about that and see if it makes sense. So, the little boy goes off to bed, thinking about what his Dad has said. Later that night he hears his baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks through the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words, what you think politics is about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future stinks.

What next?

2009-06-18T11:32:00.000-07:00

Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?" A soothing voice at the other end says,"Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."

After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"

My Wife

2009-06-18T11:28:00.000-07:00

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodka."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too."

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said,"WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

Monty Python: Office

2009-06-18T03:18:00.000-07:00

Another adorable Monty Python sketch:

Missed

2009-06-18T01:32:00.000-07:00

A golfer and a nun were at a golf course and the golfer swinged and missed the golfer said "damn I missed"! The nun said "don't say that its unholy! The golfer swings and misses again. He says "damn I missed"! The nun says "don't say that its unholy and if you say it again then god will send a lightning bolt down from heaven and strike you"! The golfer swings and misses again he says "damn I missed"! Right then god sends a lightning bolt down from heaven and hits the nun and says "damn I missed"!

An eel

2009-06-18T01:25:00.000-07:00

"Mom," says little Johnny "Sharon and Dave were fighting an eel last night."

"What do you mean?" asks his mum thinking he must have had a dream about his big sister and her boyfriend.

"Well," says Johnny, "I was sneaking down to the fridge last night when I saw them. They were hugging with most of the lights off when Sharon's face started to go a bit funny. Dave must have known this because he put his hand up her blouse to feel her heart. It took him a long time to find it and by this time he was sick too because he looked hot and his face was funny. His other hand was getting cold, I know that because he put it up her skirt. Then I saw what was making them sick. This big eel had got into Dave's jeans. I know it worried them because when it sprang out, Sharon sat back on the couch and said, 'Oh bloody hell, it's huge.' Dave grabbed her hair and she tried to bite its head off but soon she made a noise and let it go. It must have bitten her back. Sharon grabbed it tight and held it with both hands and Dave got something out of his pocket. I couldn't see that bit too well but it looked like he was trying to tie it up. They had a go at killing it but the eel put up a hell of a fight. Sharon got her legs around it, better than world wrestling that grip she had, and Dave was bouncing up and down on top trying to crush it. They were really getting a good sweat on and moaning and stuff. In the end, Dave gave his huge grunt and it all stopped. The eel was lying there when he rolled off. Sharon must have been scared by this because Dave had to cuddle and kiss her a bit to bring her round. He felt for her heart again to check she was alright but just when she'd started to mumble a bit, damned me if that eel didn't stand up again. The eel didn't seem to have as much energy but it didn't half struggle and in the end Sharon did Dave's job. She sat on it and bounced up and down for about half an hour, the sweat was rolling off her, and she kept gasping hard for breath and moaning and everything, Dave had to keep checking her heart but he couldn't remember which side of her chest it was and he kept reaching for both sides. It took ages but this time they really did kill the thing. I know that because right afterwards, Dave skinned it and flushed it away."

Gumby Brain Specialist

2009-06-17T13:21:00.001-07:00

Monty Pythons second best sketch:

Management by...

2009-06-17T13:17:00.000-07:00

Management by Bicycle
Stay calm above, and struggle beneath.

Management by Kangaroo
Make great leaps forward with an empty pocket.

Management by Surprise
Act and get surprised by the result of it.

Management by Myself
I completely agree with me!

Management by Flower-Power/Hippies
Love everybody (even your competitors) until you have been squeezed out of the market.

Management by Terminator
Liquidate everything that moves.

Management by Robinson
Just wait until it's Friday.

Management by Helicopter
Fast nosy arrival, raise a lot of dust, and take off again rapidly.

Management by Decibel
Persuade by loudness instead of arguments!

Management by Crocodile
Be up to one's neck in dirt, but always have a big mouth

Releated Sale

2009-06-17T12:04:00.000-07:00

The "Related Sale" was the subject of a talk given recently by the manager of certain drug store. "For instance, if a customer wants razor blades," he told his employees, "ask him how he's fixed for shaving cream and after-shave lotion. That way you can turn a small sale into a bigger one and earn mor commission." One young clerk was quite impressed by the talk and decided to try the technique on his very next customer. This turned out to be an embarrassed gentleman who blushingly requiested a boy of Kotex for his wife.

Then minutes later, the manager of the store was amazed to see the customer staggering out loaded down with assorted fishing equipment, tackle, nets, boots and a one-man inflatable life raft.

"What happened?!" gasped the manager, and the clerk modestly attributed his success to the "Related Sale."

"Related Sale?!" exclaimed the manager. "But all he wanted was a box of..."

"I know" interrupted the clerk "so I simply said: Look mister, there isn't going to be much doing around your house this weekend. How about taking a fishing trip?"

New Job

2009-06-17T12:03:00.001-07:00

Mujibar was trying to get a job in.

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager,
I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, green, green , and I pink it up, and say, ' Yellow,' this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

The World's funniest joke

2009-06-17T11:50:00.000-07:00

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

laughlab.co.uk

Little Britain: Computer says no

2009-06-17T11:46:00.000-07:00

And probably the best little britain sketch: ;-)

Ministry of Silly Walks

2009-06-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

Probably the best Monty Python sketch:

English is a difficult language

2009-06-17T11:03:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visited Washington and met with president Barack Obama… The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hands with President Obama, please say “How are you?” Then Mr. Obama should say, ‘I am fine, and you?’ Now, you should say ‘me too’. Afterwards we, the translators, will do the work for you.’

It seems quite simple, but instead what happened was…

When Mori met Obama , he said “Who are you?” (Instead of ‘How r u?’.)

Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
‘Well, I’m Michelle‘s husband, haha…’

Then Mori replied ‘me too, haha.. .’.

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.